Sunday, November 22, 2009

Food Fetish

I feel stuck. I'm so close to having lost 50 pounds. I don't seem to ever have enough time during the week to exercise during the week. I crave, oh, how I crave. I crave things I never used to really care about: cheesey Hawaiian pizza, chocolate mousse, quesadillas....I'm craving a lot of melted cheese. Other things too--fried chicken. Cookies. Macaroni salad. Stupid stuff. Food I didn't seek out when I ate anything I wanted--and anything I didn't want.

And in the end, I don't give into them. Not really. Well, sometimes I do. But I've been trying to stay in control. Because being out of control, and not caring about what I did to myself, is what got me in this state to begin with.

I used to wake up and think, "What am I going to eat today?!" with excitement. I'd watch cooking shows and cook with abandon. Though even I knew to stay away from Paula Deen.

Now, I wake up and I think, "What am I going to eat today?" with trepidation. Will I stay strong? Will I stay in control? Will I make wise, nutritious choices? Sometimes I don't, but many times I do.

It's not just about eating fattening foods. It's also about controlling portions. I like BIG food. When I moved to California I was introduced to the two-pounds taqueria burritos and never did I question the enormity of them. It was Fleagirl-sized food. No need for seconds.

Am I an overeater? Yes. Am I a compulsive overeater? Yes.


Pixie said...

you are a wonder flea-girl. I'm gonna do the sums, but in the kilos I know well, that's sooo impresive. Your natural tendancy maybe to be an over eater, but you sound like you have yourself under control. hooray for you (and your heart and your joints and all that!) xxx

Fleagirl said...

Awwww--thanks for the cheers Pixie!