Food Fetish

I feel stuck. I'm so close to having lost 50 pounds. I don't seem to ever have enough time during the week to exercise during the week. I crave, oh, how I crave. I crave things I never used to really care about: cheesey Hawaiian pizza, chocolate mousse, quesadillas....I'm craving a lot of melted cheese. Other things too--fried chicken. Cookies. Macaroni salad. Stupid stuff. Food I didn't seek out when I ate anything I wanted--and anything I didn't want.

And in the end, I don't give into them. Not really. Well, sometimes I do. But I've been trying to stay in control. Because being out of control, and not caring about what I did to myself, is what got me in this state to begin with.

I used to wake up and think, "What am I going to eat today?!" with excitement. I'd watch cooking shows and cook with abandon. Though even I knew to stay away from Paula Deen.

Now, I wake up and I think, "What am I going to eat today?" with trepidation. Will I stay strong? Will I stay in control? Will I make wise, nutritious choices? Sometimes I don't, but many times I do.

It's not just about eating fattening foods. It's also about controlling portions. I like BIG food. When I moved to California I was introduced to the two-pounds taqueria burritos and never did I question the enormity of them. It was Fleagirl-sized food. No need for seconds.

Am I an overeater? Yes. Am I a compulsive overeater? Yes.